Wednesday, December 05, 2007

LOOKING FOR AMERICA ON THE YELLOW BELLIED BRICK ROAD

LOOKING FOR AMERICA ON THE YELLOW BELLIED BRICK ROAD



Once upon a time, terrible things happened in the country. Airplanes slammed into buildings killing innocent people and destroying a lot of evidence of malfeasance in high places. All these little Congressional munchkins were so scared they ran around passing laws to make sure no more evil witches would ever bother us again. It wasn’t enough and they didn’t stop being scared. They kept talking about a wizard of Oz and all the powers and the magic in a place called the Emerald City. So I went to go find this wonderful wizard who could tell me the truth about the terrible thing that happened to my country. The munchkins showed me the way, although they were too afraid to find out the truth for themselves. So I went by myself, following this road paved with yellow bellied bricks.

Before long I met a scarecrow with a fake Texas accent named George. He was stuck in a floundering and pathetic situation but when I told him about the buildings and the airplanes, he stared at me for about seven minutes, then asked me to help him down. I told him about this wizard guy in Oz and he begged me to go along. He was pretty stupid and he knew it. Since I was going to ask this wizard for the truth, he wanted to come along and ask the wizard for a brain. Against my better judgment, I let him come with me.

Before long we heard this creaking and moaning sound coming from the dark woods. Scarecrow George wanted to run away but I wanted the truth no matter how scared I was, so I went into the woods. There I found this tinman all rusted and frozen in place with a really mean look on his face. His mouth could still move and he asked me to free him by putting some oil on his joints. Once I did that he could talk freely and, amazingly, his name was George too! He also had been stuck in a floundering and pathetic situation and when I told him about my journey for the truth to the wizard of Oz, he begged me to come along too. He figured since he was a cold hearted guy who would never commute a death sentence or allow legislation to cover health care for poor children, that he could probably use a heart. I figured it had something to do with how he was raised by a mom who thought refugees from a terrible flood were happy to be shoved into crowded smelly stadiums away from their families or who didn’t want to bother her beautiful mind with images of dead soldiers and innocent civilians. I could be wrong. I introduced him to Scarecrow George and they immediately became the best of friends. Again, against my better judgment, I let him come with us and we continued on through the dark and scary forest.

Next thing you know I hear this terrible sobbing and sniffling. Scarecrow George and Tinman George wanted to run away but I had to know the truth so deep into the woods I went. There I found this huge lion crying his eyes out. Even though he was big and scary, I thought he needed some help so I went to him and asked him why he was crying. He tried to pretend he was really tough, almost like a war pilot strutting around on the deck of an aircraft carrier, but I could see he was really a chicken. I asked him what his name was and guess what, his name was George too! I told him about my quest for the truth about the terrible things happening to my country and how everybody said the wizard could help me. Lion George got all excited and thought maybe the wizard could give him some courage so he wouldn’t have to pretend to have actually completed his Air National Guard duty during Vietnam and he wouldn’t have to keep saying “dead or alive” and “bring ‘em on.” I brought him back to Scarecrow George and Tinman George and you would have thought it was a family reunion.

We started off again down the yellow bellied brick road and could see the Emerald City in the distance. We got all excited and started to run. A mysterious white snow fell all around us. All of a sudden Lion George and I began to feel sleepy and just wanted to lie down and pass out. Fortunately for us, both Scarecrow George and Tinman George were both familiar with this mysterious white stuff and were able to magically sniff it all up so we could wake up and get out of there.

When we finally got to the Emerald City we could not get in because all these beefy guys in wraparound sunglasses and black SUVs were guarding the place. They sure didn’t look like they belonged there but the weapons they were holding looked really serious. The three Georges put their heads together and came up with a plan. They promised the beefy guards lots of money and power if they would let us in. That wasn’t good enough so they had to promise more money for a long time to come and all the freedom in the world to shoot anybody they wanted. The three Georges didn’t really think that one through as they had no idea where they would get this money and what would happen if the beefy guys got out of control but they were in a hurry and thought they could figure all that out later.

After our journey we were tired and dirty so everybody in the Emerald City went out of their way to make sure we were presentable to meet the Wizard. We got new clothes, a bath and all these talking points about “freedom”, “weapons of mass destruction” and “fighting them over there”. Then, finally, we got to meet the wizard. We were all nervous about asking for anything and very confused after all those talking points. Then we heard this weird voice telling us to come closer to this big curtain. It kept saying things like “if you will” and “last throes”. After a long time of this mumbling I got mad and pulled the big curtain back. What do I see but some old bald guy with a pacemaker and an evil sneer. Not feeling too happy about this, I pulled Scarecrow George over and made him ask for his brain. Creepy guy, whom I’m now calling “gizzard” in my mind, cackles at poor Scarecrow George and tells him he can’t give him a brain, that you “go to war with the brain you got”. Scarecrow George didn’t get it and neither did I but it shut him up. Then old Tinman George creaks his way over and asks the gizzard for a heart. There goes that cackle again as the “giz” tells him he needs a pacemaker like he has but too bad he doesn’t have health insurance because he’ll never be able to afford it. Tinman George starts crying so hard he rusts up immediately and gets shipped off to China before anyone can investigate thermate residue on him. Lion George is just about ready to bolt but lucky for him, I had some of that magical white stuff stashed in my pocket so I let him sniff just a little and boy he got brave. Lion George ran right up to that gizzard despite the fact he was holding a shotgun and seemed a little drunk. Lion George demanded some courage and the giz shot him in the face. For some weird reason though, Lion George kept apologizing for being in the line of fire.

Now it’s my turn and I’m more than a little annoyed. This old guy, who hides behind a curtain, who makes big bucks starting wars and who likes to out undercover agents for revenge is getting on my nerves. I already know what he’s going to tell me when I ask for the truth but I ask for it anyway and what do I get?

“Go fuck yourself”.

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